[CHORUS] Christmas time is the time of year when we celebrate Christmas time. It's the time that happens once a year, just like any other time, only this time is called Christmas.

About two million years ago, Pope John Paul found an ancient scroll. He followed the clues and it led him to Jesus's tomb.

A great big boulder blocked the way, but Pope John Paul said, 'That's Okay!' He lifted his robe and he squatted down low and he started to strain.

He laid a magical chocolate egg. The chocolate egg was shaped like a key. He turned the key and the boulder turned into a pine tree, and that's why we all eat pine treees at -

[CHORUS]

Pope John Paul in the gloom of the tomb found Jesus sitting in the drawing room, working away on the blueprints for his rocket-powered sleigh.

They kissed and they hugged and they built the sleigh, took to the skies on Christmas Day, picked up a turkey on the way to visit Santy Claus.

When they arrived at the South Pole they realised they'd gone to the wrong pole. Maps were quite innacurate in the days of old.

After many more days of travelling, Jesus's beard began unravelling. Pope John Paul tied it back together with a colourful bow, and that's why we all wear bow ties at -

[CHORUS]

For forty years they flew through the desert. We know this is true 'cause the Bible says it. How could a book so old be wrong about anything?

By now they were pretty damn thirsty. The desert is dry and unmerciful, but Jesus had another trick up his toga. Ga-ga-ga-ga. To-ga-ga-ga. To-to-to-ga-ga-ga-ga.

He turned the sand into water, turned the water into two of every animal, drunk the fat from the distended hump of the camel. Oh, what a sight it must have been, to have seen

But sometimes Christmas isn't just about camels and popes. No, sometimes people they don't even get no coal, when old Saint Nick he say you're just a little too old.

Me, I've been there before, like when I tried to gain entry to that 12-year-old girl's party. Her parents didn't much care for the cut of my dungarees, particularly when they saw that underneath I'd no undees.

But I digress from the central point of this section, which is that Christmas isn't necessarily the happiest of times for everyone, no. No, sometimes people die. People commit suicide, by blowing out their brains or plugging themselves into the mains, or maybe carbon monoxide suffocation, or if you're feeling really brave there's always auto-erotic asphyxiation. That seems like one hell of a way to reach Nirvana, holding your banana, or if you fancy something with a little more of a James Bond villain kind of feel, you could always immerse yourself slowly in a tank of flesh-eating pirahna-na.

Na-na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na, na-na-na, na-na-na-na-flesh-eating-pirhana-na.

I spent so many Christmases just thinking how you did me wrong, but I grew strong - oh, bugger, it seems we've wondered into a completely different -

Fly me to the [CHRISTMAS], and let me play among the [CHRISTMAS]. Let me see what [CHRISTMAS] is like on Jupiter and Mars. In other words, [CHRISTMAS]. In other words, [CHRISTMAS].

But now I think it's time that we return to the matter at hand. That is to say, Pope John Paul and Jesus on their rocket-powered sleigh, but I need a segue, 'cause we're in a different key now, and a different tempo too. So I've gotta find some way of smoothly transitioning between the two. Oh Lord, what can I do? Erm...

(HO HO HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS!)

At Santa's grotto they arrived, exchanged a smile and a high-five, and realised they had landed upon all twelve of Santa's wives, and five gold rings.

[CHORUS]

Christmas time, Christmas time, Christmas, Christmas, it's Christmas etc. etc.